


Love Doesn't Exist

by hanaiku



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aromantic, M/M, Not Beta Read, OOC, Unreliable Narrator, feeling, so many feeling, taeil was only trying to understand himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25896361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanaiku/pseuds/hanaiku
Summary: In this absurd world, Taeil's only wish was to be normal. When everything went downhill, Johnny came and told him it was okay to be different.
Relationships: Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25
Collections: Melody Fic Fest





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to Ateez - With U !!  
> I got that song and I end up liking it too much. This line: 'If I hadn’t met you, what would have happened to me?' was the inspiration for this fic.

The atmosphere was calming today. A lot of students talking happily, a reminder the exam week had neared its end. Sounds of glasses clinked against each other. Smell of coffee lingering in the air, bitter but appreciated nonetheless.

Taeil felt content even though he had an assignment he needed to submit tomorrow.

He sipped his coffee as he looked up at Taeyong who was staring at him. 

"Taeil, I like you." It came as a surprise when Taeyong decided to disclose his feeling to Taeil, like a bomb. 

"What?" Taeil asked to confirm if his ears weren't broken. 

"I said I like you, Taeil," Taeyong repeated, his eyes weren't twinkling in nervousness like those awkward couple who was baring their emotions to each other. It was the opposite, "but obviously you don't like me back."

"This is so sudden," Taeil voiced out his feeling.

Taeyong grabbed his own hair in frustration. "This is not sudden," He opposed strongly. So intense that Taeil thought he should do something to reassure him. "We both know I like you from the start. I've been trying to make you like me back for months now. This is not how it should be." 

The hand that was going to reach for Taeyong stopped midway. Realizing it wasn't its place to tend the pain.

Taeyong was right, Taeil _knew_ the other man was trying pursue him. But he also thought that they should wait until their feelings were in the same page. He wished that Taeyong would wait—no, actually, he had expected Taeyong to wait some more.

"Did I make a mistake? Did I do something to hurt you?" Taeil asked because at least he should be polite enough to know what he did wrong. 

"No—and that's the problem here. You did nothing, you feel nothing towards me," Taeyong said, voice filled with so much sorrow. "You don't like me, Moon Taeil, but you aren't going to say it to my face anytime soon, are you?"

"Taeyong, I honestly don't know what you are implying—"

"Maybe we should stop meeting each other." Taeyong's breath was getting quicker. "Oh, that was stupid of me. We aren't meeting each other in the first place."

Taeil couldn't do anything else other than watching Taeyong's back as the other left the café, he never turned around to take another glimpse at Taeil. Before Taeyong was too far from him, Taeil heard his exasperated sighs and a faint murmur, "I thought at least you were going to stop me from leaving."

A few hours after, Taeil went home thinking if he should drink tonight. He had finished his paper after all, maybe Doyoung would want to accompany him. 

He dialed a familiar number, not caring that it was already dark and Doyoung possibly dead asleep. 

"What?" The grumpy sounded man barked at him.

"Come here. I'm drinking alone right now," He lied to lure Doyoung into coming. Nothing was wrong with lying about something that was about to happen anyway. 

"What is it? I'm not handing my paper half sober tomorrow for an unimportant reason." Doyoung sounded cross, but Taeil could hear the rustle of clothes, faint steps, and sounds of dangling keys indicating his best friend were going to leave his den. 

"Taeyong said we should stop meeting each other," Taeil answered.

Then, a loud sound was coming from the phone, pretty concerning. He frowned, wondering and waiting for Doyoung to say something back.

"Fuck, sorry, I dropped my phone. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

Taeil smiled in reasurrance. Then, like a habit, he turned off the phone call first before Doyoung did—Doyoung probably didn't even bother by now. 

It took Taeil five more minutes to finally reach his apartment. He took out a bottle of soju from the refrigerator. An expensive bottle of wine beside it caught his eyes, there was an urge inside him to take it out. But he didn’t—thinking it was too precious to drink.

"You haven't drunk anything," Doyoung pointed out immediately as he saw a very sober Taeil still preparing the drink. Definitely not in the middle of drinking that he was given the impression of. 

Taeil looked unimpressed—he was actually a little bit surprised because he didn't hear him coming. He shrugged it off as he was so used to Doyoung's intruding.

"Here," Taeil handed the soju to Doyoung, "let's drink and watch movies," Taeil said, not bothering to defend himself from lying. 

They walked towards the living room, choosing some sad movies to watch before deciding he wanted to watch DC instead. Doyoung complied like a good friend he was.

"I thought you were going to cry yourself out. Isn't that why I'm here?" Doyoung asked as the opening credit was rolling. 

Taeil glanced at Doyoung who sat beside him on the worn out sofa. "No, you're here to make me feel that I'm not a bad person."

"What do you mean?" Doyoung got confused for a second. His face changed when he connected the dots. "Is it like before… like with Jungwoo?" His voice came out hesitant.

Taeil simply nodded. 

"I thought you were doing fine." Doyoung's shoulder sagged down as he spoke.

"I thought so too." Taeil laughed bitterly. "Apparently I was wrong."

"What's the reason this time? You're too into your studies?" Doyoung tried to guess. Taeil liked how his friend found the situation not as grave as he thought it was. Doyoung was always the one to wake him up from his extreme thinking— _he wasn't an evil who destroyed the whole world just because he unintentionally turned someone down._

"You feel nothing towards me' He said—I don't really remember the rest. I was panicked," Taeil answered conversationally. Eventually, the mood changed, it wasn't as heavy as before.

"That sucks," Doyoung commented.

"Yeah," Taeil agreed. "You know what's worse?" He paused, sounding a little bit mysterious. "The fact that this heart don't feel anything when he left, even now, it seems like things like that are so insignificant. It feels worse after this brain realized that these bad moods only happens because of that, not because losing something that could be important."

Taeil was talking as if he was telling someone else's story. Maybe because it was easier to do so. There was no need to point out that his heart and his brain were part of himself. The emotional burden carried with that information would be too harsh for him.

He was glad to have Doyoung beside him, sharing the same thought, commented nothing—yet still ever so caring. He let the silence pass for a long time, trying to focus on the scene in front of him even though he kept getting distracted.

"Doyoung," Taeil called when they were in the middle of an exciting part that did not excite him at all, "I think I would never find love."

Doyoung grabbed his hand and squeezed it softly. "Don't be stupid, Taeil. Let's just focus at that actress, kicking everybody's asses like the queen she is."

Taeil pouted. His focus back on the movie, trying to watch every scene intensely, hoping that every question on his brain would be gone as if it was never there by the ending roll. 

***

Days passed like nothing had happened to Taeil. He felt nothing was missing, just exactly how his world would be if everything was normal. 

Surprisingly—or not really surprising to him—it felt alright when he didn't receive a good morning message from Taeyong. Nor when he had to visit his favorite café all alone. Even looking at couples around him in the street was just as insignificant.

Nothing ever changed for him, even though he couldn't say the same for Taeyong.

Which was the whole reason he was smoking at his balcony in the middle of the night. Watching the sky full of stars and its never ending twinkles, thinking of Taeyong again—Or It was supposed to be about Taeyong. But Taeil was selfish, he was only thinking about the core of the problem that was himself.

"This fucking sucks," Taeil cursed at himself, stomping his cigarette angrily. 

Every single time he was smoking, his mind would always be occupied with the same thing. _That he was an evil who destroyed the whole world just because he unintentionally hurt someone’s feeling_.

Everything fucking sucks.

He reached the phone on his pants, fingers hovering on the number he hadn't called for so long. It wouldn't be a good idea to call Taeyong. Fuck, he didn't even want to call Taeyong, he just felt bad for not wanting to call Taeyong, for not feeling anything.

He looked at the sky again, watching how it remained the same as before. His only comfort as he passed each day in his life. The night sky never changed, like him. The night sky was filled with empty spaces, like him. 

His heart ached, like it always did.

Must be a surprising fact for people who thought he couldn't feel.

He decided to dial the number. If he were to be honest, he knew Taeyong wouldn't pick up. It didn't shock him when it really happened. It just angered him how much he didn't care whether Taeyong would hang up on him or not.


	2. Chapter 2

"I don't do college party, Doyoung," Taeil swatted his friend's hand away from his shoulder.

Doyoung was really adamant on visiting a dumb party at some foreigner student house. He said it'd be fun to make new friends. Funny, considering Doyoung was way worse about making new friends than Taeil. 

"Come on, Jaehyun invited me. I have to come and make a good impression."

Oh, Taeil wasn't going to fall for that excuse. The sweet Jung Jaehyun, everyone's first love, even Doyoung's. But pity him, Taeil didn't care one bit about Doyoung wooing the popular guy. He knew what Doyoung's actual purpose was to bring him out of his hole and he wouldn't follow him blindly to a stranger party like what Doyoung wanted.

"Do it yourself, you coward," Taeil walked away, hurrying to go to his class which he shared with Doyoung. His body kept bumping with some strangers in the hallway as he muttered apologies.

"Seriously, it's that Johnny guy's party! Don't you want to meet the exchange student?" Doyoung talked as he managed to catch up with Taeil's fast step. 

"No." Taeil answered shortly. 

"But he wanted to meet you, though!" 

Taeil snapped his head to look at Doyoung. He didn't look like he was lying, also looked a little bit too happy. Honestly, his smile made Taeil felt bad for letting his hope down.

"I'm not looking for relationship right now," Taeil sighed. 

"I know," Doyoung put his arm around Taeil shoulder as he shoved themselves inside the classroom. "You'll meet him as my friend, nothing more."

Taeil ignored the statement as it was an obvious lie. 

He then took the seat in the middle of the class, not wanting to look shameless by sitting at the back or too diligent at front. Doyoung followed him, sitting at his side as if it was his rightful place.

Which was probably true? Taeil wouldn't let anyone come near him these days.

Taeil was considering to change the habit though as he kept hearing Doyoung bribing him into coming. He was extremely glad when Doyoung stopped, but he also recognized the expression of shock that Doyoung was wearing. The awkward man froze on his seat, not talking at all. His eyes was looking at the door, dreadful. Taeil followed the gaze.

There, it was. Jung Jaehyun.

Taeil felt himself giggle immediately, not caring how Doyoung kept pinching his leg and muttering angrily to make him shut up. 

"Hey, Doyoung!" The source of the problem, Jung Jaehyun, waved as he walked towards their seats. "Since this is our last class, it'd be nice to spend it together. Do you mind if I sit here?" He pointed at the seat beside Doyoung's.

"Sure," Taeil answered instead. He tried to keep his cool and not to make a fool of himself—also of Doyoung.

"Thanks." Jaehyun started, casually leaning close to Doyoung, making the boy flustered. Taeil had to place an arm around Doyoung to save his friend from dying of utter shock. "Oh, remember I invited you to Johnny's party? I was wondering if you'll come?" Jaehyun leaned away, seemed to understand Doyoung's uneasiness.

Doyoung then glanced at Taeil, asking for confirmation with his eyes. It took Taeil awhile to realize Doyoung was referring to their conversation a few minutes ago. Taeil hadn't given a clear answer.

As much as Taeil repeated he didn't care one bit, in fact he cared too much. Taeil decided to accept it as he nodded at Doyoung and answered Jaehyun, "Yeah, we will."

The grin on Doyoung's face widen in happiness. Although he tried to suppress his excitement, it was still crystal clear to anyone's eyes. Taeil glanced at Jaehyun who also had a content smile on his face.

***

The sound of music was extremely deafening, it wasn't even Taeil's favorite sound. Too jumpy and incoherent. He kind of regretted—again—coming to the party.

Taeil found himself talking with a complete stranger whose look wouldn't be able to fool anyone into believing that he wasn't a minor. But he said his name was Lee Donghyuck and he even brought his identity card just in case anyone asked. Taeil didn't know whether to believe him or not, he just found the boy was a little bit funny to talk to. 

"Hyuck?" A familiar voice could be heard behind Taeil.

Taeil turned around to find Lee Minhyung, a first year, also a very bad reminder. Lee Minhyung was a close friend of Taeyong. 

"You met..." Minhyung paused to glance for a second at Taeil. "Taeil-hyung?" Minhyung asked with a glint of happiness in his eyes. For a while, Taeil thought there was a case of wrong infatuation towards Taeil here. He contemplated how he was supposed to reject the feeling as a proper adult until he saw how Donghyuck mirrored the same expression.

_ Oh… _

"Yeah. He didn't believe me when I said I'm not a middle schooler." Donghyuck wrapped his hand around Mark's waist. His whole body moving in excitement. "I told you, my look won't age."

Taeil excused himself, not really interested in watching the two love birds flirting with each other. 

He passed bunch of loud guys who was drinking and dancing to the horrible choice of song on his way to the kitchen. He rolled his eyes when he saw Doyoung was with them, but glad after he realized Jaehyun was guarding him from anyone else.

Taeil's quiet steps was getting somewhat louder as he reached the kitchen. Perhaps because the noises were already far away. He liked the calmness here anyway.

But as the tranquility welcomed him, loneliness came along. Creeping so slowly without any forgiveness. His heart clenched, harder to breathe. 

"Want a drink?" A huge body suddenly was surrounding him. Taeil could tell it was the foreigner.

"No," Taeil pushed the other man away as he straightened up. Feeling uncomfortable from how close they were standing.

"You haven't had any drink at all," Johnny said, body sagging in fake sadness. Taeil wanted to ask how would he know that he hadn't had any drink at all, but a whiff of his alcohol filled scent made him shut up.

"Aren't you jealous?" Johnny suddenly jumped and sat on the counter. His long legs dangling, a soft smile on his face. "Doyoung is with Jaehyun right now."

"Why should I?" Taeil asked back, curious on why Johnny would ask him such a ridiculous question. 

"Aren't you and Doyoung a thing?" Johnny's smile turned flat, he was looking at Taeil with an intense stare. A pretty dead serious face. 

Taeil couldn't even laugh at him for asking a dumb question. Anyone should know by now that he and Doyoung were nothing more but best friend.

"Don't look at me like I'm stupid," Johnny avoided Taeil's eyes first, choosing to play with the wine glass beside him instead. "Someone already told me that you know I'm interested in you. You should know why I wanted to ask."

"I would never fuck Doyoung is my answer then."

"That's a relief," The taller said loudly. Taeil thought his words didn't match his expression, there was no hint of relief at all. "I wouldn't want to end up hurt."

Taeil took a step back to examine Johnny before speaking out loud, "Sorry, but," Taeil continued before Johnny could talk more. "It doesn't mean you have a chance."

Johnny sighed. "I know about that, about why you don't want a relationship right now."

Taeil's hands clenched absentmindedly. It should hurt him, the feeling of his nails digging on his flesh and yet it felt nonexistent.

"No, you don't," Taeil replied harshly, making sure he was ending the conversation, "it's not about Taeyong."

His legs brought him outside of the house, walking nowhere in a dazed state. He thought his hands might be bleeding too, but he paid it no mind. Probably because his mind wasn't in the right place anyway. 

Every single thing crushed him, the look on Mark's eyes, the smile on Donghyuck's lips, the happiness Doyoung was showing, the protective act Jaehyun was doing, and worse, the hope on Johnny's face. 

They made him remember Jungwoo's tearful look, Taeyong's disappointment, and his own self who felt nothing for them. It fucking sucked to be uncapable of such a simple thing. Nobody would understand, he hated himself for being this way. 

He dug in his pocket as he looked for another pack of cigarette. 

***

' _Where are you?_ ' Doyoung texted him when Taeil was still freezing in the middle of nowhere. Either trying to kill or calm himself.

He lied without thinking, ' _I'm home._ ' 

' _Okay^^ sleep well._ ' 

Taeil didn't reply even if he wanted to. 

***

Waking up in the morning while having nothing to do for the day felt a little bit weird. The past week he was basically killing himself with lack of sleep and so much productivity. Now that the semester was over, things were not so exciting. It made his mind wandered to places it shouldn't be at. 

Taeil decided he needed to be somewhere outside to distract himself. 

' _Are you busy today?_ ' Doyoung's text went in after Taeil took a fresh bath. 

' _Yes, why?_ ' 

' _Nothing. I'll tell you later._ ' Taeil wondered if would be about Jaehyun. He stopped himself before he started making assumptions. 

He wore his white shirt and blue jeans, threw stuffs inside his bag, went out without checking his appearance. He didn't have a reason to do that, not anymore. 

Taeil chose to walk to the city's biggest library, because he was a good citizen and environmentally friendly. He also bought a mint chocolate ice cream on his way to entertain himself.

When he paid for the ice cream, his phone buzzed.

' _Where are you?_ ' An unknown number messaged him. 

' _Who is this?_ ' 

' _Johnny. Where are you?_ '

Taeil turned off his phone screen, not bothering to reply to such a small nuisance. He walked away as he finished paying. 

At the same time, Johnny called him. Taeil looked at his phone for a long minute. For a moment, his thumb hovered over the red button to close the call. It shifted as he changed his mind last minute to answer it.

"Why?" He immediately asked to the point. He didn't bother to greet.

"I'm behind you," The sound from the phone was echoing near him. Taeil turned to see the taller man smiling. "Hello."He said to the phone even though Taeil could hear him loud and clear.

"Why are you following me?" Deciding to play the game as well, Taeil answered through the phone.

"I wasn't. I didn't mean to, I was heading somewhere when I saw you." Johnny smiled, friendly. Taeil wouldn't fall for it.

"Then keep going to your own destination." Taeil turned off the phone call, walked away towards the library as fast as he could. He didn't take into consideration that Johnny had longer legs, pacing with him with ease. 

_ Fuck his life. _

***

"It's holiday but you are studying in the library," Johnny said out loud at the library entrance. Unaware of the annoyed look some people sent him.

"I'm not asking you to follow me, am I?"

"There are better places to spend your time, I can give you a tour."

"I know the city better than you, foreigner."

Someone coughed deliberately loud. Taeil wasn't dumb to not realized it was a sign for him to shut up. Instantly embarrassed, he shut his own lips, telling Johnny to do the same.

For a really long time Johnny managed to stay silent, even his breathing was almost unheard that Taeil often got worried if he wasn't breathing at all. Sadly, the moment he picked a good book and sat down to somewhere secluded, Johnny immediately opened his mouth again.

"Even my book is better than yours," Johnny said as he waved his book to show the cover. 

It wasn't any better than Taeil's choosing, but sure, go off.

"You're looking down on me," Johnny stated, slamming the book a little bit too harsh before opening the first page. 

As time went by, he was getting totally invested in the story that he was mumbling the whole time. The book in front of Taeil got harder to read as he was distracted by the constant mumbling. Several times he wanted to strangle the younger, but each time he almost lunged forward, he saw focused and determined eyes that he shouldn't bother.

Taeil resigned, knowing he wouldn't be able to read any book today.

He took out his phone from his pocket, he typed to Doyoung, ' _I'm fucking bored._ '

' _What are you doing?_ ' Came a reply immediately.

' _Reading in the library, with a stalker._ '

' _Huh? Want me to help you out?_ '

' _It's Johnny._ ' 

' _You awful liar. So, this is what you are doing when you are_ busy _. Have a good date, I won't bother you anymore._ '

Taeil groaned, earning an annoyed look from Johnny. "What are you doing? Texting in the library," The younger judged him without mercy. His eyes narrowed in disgust. 

"I'm borrowing this. I can't concentrate reading," Taeil said as he stood up, walking toward the librarian in the center of the room. Johnny following him in a rush.

"Are you not going to borrow your book?" Taeil asked when he saw Johnny beside him, standing empty handed.

"No, it was shitty." Johnny shrugged.

Taeil was dumbfounded, he mumbled to himself, "Can't believe I couldn't read my favorite book because of a shitty book."

"What?" Johnny asked.

"Nothing."

Johnny didn't pester him for an answer, honestly, Taeil hoped he would because how great it would be to mock the taller for being shit at choosing book. But he stayed silent.

***

When Taeil was all alone in the comfort of his apartment, he found his book that was abandoned for the whole day. He turned the last page he had read. It took five minutes before his brain suddenly remembered Johnny. He couldn't concentrate again as he heard the sound of his mumbles even where Johnny wasn't actually there. 

He closed his book, a little bit annoyed.

Although he was still glad, because tonight Taeil didn't feel the urge to smoke at all.   



	3. Chapter 3

"Morning." Johnny waved his left hand towards Taeil as his right hand was busy holding a vanilla ice cream.

"Fuck off." Taeil replied as he ordered his own mint chocolate ice cream. 

"Weird taste." Johnny giggled.

"Mint chocolate ice cream is awesome." Taeil said coldly. He walked away as he tried to ignore Johnny existence around him. Although, sometimes he couldn't help but to give a response.

Maybe it was a bad luck that Johnny was a very persistent man. He kept telling interesting stories even though Taeil was dead silent the whole time.

"Stopfollowing me," Taeil voiced out before they reached the library. 

"Huh?"

"Stop telling me stories that I have no interest in." Taeil continued louder. He could feel a little tremor in his hand as he waited for Johnny to say something. 

Johnny looked dejected, but he didn't say anything for a while. It took him several deep sighs and a broken smile before he finally spoke. "I don't want to."

Taeil straightened his back. He watched Johnny's smile forming into a genuine one. "Seriously. You annoy me."

It should be hurt to hear those words. It should drive anyone away. It wasn't pleasant either to say them with his own mouth.

"Why?" But what was in front of Taeil was the same Johnny who still gave him his unfaltering smile. Steady and determined. 

Sometimes, Taeil wondered why were they the same? Jungwoo, Taeyong, and Johnny in their own way were stubborn. What were they fighting for? Was it that important? 

Taeil wanted to feel the same, to have purpose that he would cross all boundary. 

"Taeil?" Johnny sounded concerned. His eyebrows were knitted together as his hand grabbed Taeil's shoulder reassuringly.

"I don't know." Taeil blurted out.

"What?" 

"You asked _why_." Taeil tried to look anywhere else that wasn't Johnny's eyes.

"Are you uncomfortable with me?" Johnny's hand were falling from Taeil's shoulder. His nervous breathing was loud on Taeil's ears.

"I said you annoy me, didn't I?"

"Answer me seriously," Johnny blinked and Taeil finally saw himself in those sparkling eyes. "I'll leave you alone."

Taeil didn't give him an answer. He walked away alone. It annoyed him when he had to fumble with his belonging without having Johnny to hold his phone for him. It annoyed him when the staff asked him where was his handsome friend.

"Don't you always go together?" She asked politely. Taeil should apologize later for denying her quite rudely. 

When Taeil settled down on his favorite chair he felt awful and bitter. He kept glancing at the vacant seat beside him.

Taeil grabbed his phone and typed as fast as he could _,_ ' _I'm sorry,_ ' He sent. 

' _I'm already at the library._ ' Taeil added.

' _Wait for me._ ' Johnny's text were coming within seconds. It was as if he was waiting for the whole time. Although, Taeil didn't want to think so, because he already felt awful enough.

***

_ "Let's stop meeting each other," Jungwoo said. He looked gloomy, very unusual from him. _

_ "Come on, what are you saying? Don't joke around like that…" Taeil replied cutely. Jungwoo usually would brighten up after Taeil did  _ aegyo _for him. He liked it, most of the time… but maybe not today. "Did something happen?"_

_ Jungwoo crossed his hand and looked away. "I said let's break up!" _

_ "Jungwoo?" Taeil's voice quieted down toward the end. _

_ Jungwoo snorted, outraged for some reason. "You like it better this way, don't you? You only date me because of pity anyway! Honestly, you're the worst person I've ever known." As Jungwoo spoke, anger showed itself unpleasantly. Taeil thought it didn't look good on him.  _

_ Taeil tried not to mirror Jungwoo anger as he talked. "But, I genuinely like you. I pick you up every day. I go on dates with you on weekend. I spend a lot of my time with you. I care about you—" _

_ "You don't call me when your professor failed your exam. You don’t ask me when you look for a part time job. Remember when your parents came? How shocked I was when I was supposed to surprise you? And yesterday when you went to the hospital, have you ever thought of calling me?" _

_ "It's burdensome—" Taeil tried to explain himself. _

_ "What do you mean it's burdensome? Is letting me know what happen to you too hard to do?" Jungwoo looked hurt. His eyes were teary but he pushed Taeil away whenever Taeil tried to wipe his tears. _

_ "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just don't want to be a burden to you. I love you… please," Taeil begged. _

_ "Do you know how embarrassing it was to know everything about you from someone else?" _

_ "I'm sorry…" _

_ "I always let you live in my life, Taeil. It's about time for you to let me in. Have you ever imagine your future with me in them?" Jungwoo asked softly, his eyes were searching for an answer through Taeil's. "You haven't." His breath hitched and he stood up to leave. _

_ "Don't do this. I love you—" _

_ "Don't…" Jungwoo index finger raised up, pointing at Taeil as if accusing him, "Don't ever say that when you don't mean it!" _

_ "I won’t do it again, I promise." Taeil looked at Jungwoo, trying to explain as much as he could with his expression. Trying to show he was determined to be better. _

_ Unfortunately, Jungwoo was having none of that. "It won't work. It would never. You are not the least bit interested in me, Taeil. You never cared when someone else try to take my attention away from you. Never ever interested with my life. You never love me. Do you even know what love is?"  _

***

_ Do you even know what love is? _

Taeil woke up with sweat wetting his pillow. It had been a while since the last time he had that dream. Unconsciously, he bite his nail, his whole body moving restless. 

"Are you okay?" Johnny asked, he was sitting beside Taeil's bed. Looking out of place.

"No," Taeil replied. "How did you get in?"

"Doyoung?" Johnny answered timidly. Contrast with his menacing figure. "You didn't show up. I thought something bad happened."

Taeil raised his eyebrows however Johnny tried to distract him from asking question by offering him some food. "I made you ramen?"

Taeil took the bowl and felt it was already cold. It must have been cooked sometimes ago. 

"I can't find anything but soju and wine in your kitchen." Johnny said conversationally. He looked uneasy especially with complete silence around them. He rushed to stand up and pointed at the bedroom door with his thumb. "I'll wait outside."

Taeil merely nodded at him while enjoying his ramen even though it wasn't tasty.

***

Johnny was hyper aware of his surrounding. His feet was tapping the floor nonstop as he tried to maintain a calm facade. Taeil was amused nonetheless. It was quite apparent that Johnny was nervous even to his sleepy eyes since he just woke up in his bedroom. 

Now, it was way worse.

"It's not even twelve yet," Taeil nodded at the small clock he placed on the table. Johnny followed the direction and just hummed in response. Taeil glared at him some more.

"We usually meet at nine?" Johnny shrugged awkwardly. "I waited for two hours before I came here."

"Only two hours? You know usually people waited for 24 hours before filling a missing person report."

"Actually, that's not really true. You can file it as soon as you know someone is missing and in need of help."

"But do I need your help?" Taeil questioned, he was a little bit pressuring. Because in all honesty he did think Johnny barged into his place unannounced was a little bit too much.

"I'm sorry," Johnny mumbled. It sounded unsure, but Taeil would accept the apology. 

"Call me next time," Taeil casually added. He knew it was the promise that there could be a next time that made Johnny brightened up. Taeil didn't really like the taste of promise in the tip of his tongue but he let it be. "Also, please don’t cook again."

"I think it was decent," Johnny added with a wide weird grin.

"I think it was inedible."

"You ate it." Johnny pointed out, feeling offended.

"Imagine how painful it was." 

Johnny took a sharp breath, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, I won’t cook again." The taller explained. "Anything else you might want to say?"

"Nothing," Taeil stood up and walked towards the bathroom. "Wait, we're going to the library after I wash up."

"Taeil," Johnny called out. Taeil turned around to look at the younger. It felt like years had passed even if it was only seconds. The ticking clock and intense look Johnny was sending. 

_ Do you even know what love is? _

"Are you sure?" Johnny asked after awhile. The question was ambiguous but somehow Taeil perfectly understood what was asked. Anyhow, Johnny had to wait. Taeil wasn't ready to talk about that. 

"Yes, I'm sure we'll go to the library after I wash up." 


	4. Chapter 4

Taeil didn't expect to have an intruder in the morning. He didn't even get the chance to wash up first, and he smelt awful normally. He ought to give this intruder a lesson or two.

"Did you sleep well?" There stood Kim Doyoung in all his glory. Fucking cooking in the kitchen.

"Thought you were Johnny." Taeil walked past the younger to reach for mineral water to hydrate himself. He might have forgotten about teaching the intruder a lesson or two.

"Take a shower, you stink!" Doyoung had the courage to pinch his nose in annoyance when it was his own fault for bothering someone in the morning.

Taeil wasn't a person who would follow order, in fact he'd like to go against it just to spite Doyoung. It must be Doyoung's luck that Taeil really felt gross and wanted to take a shower in the first place.

He went to the bathroom muttering something about having a decency of a proper intruder.

"Good morning, world!" Taeil announced as he finished showering. He felt awesome and fresh but Doyoung didn't look amused like he usually would. Actually, he looked pretty serious right now.

"Eat," Doyoung spoke sweetly.

Taeil made small and quiet movement as he looked at Doyoung, wary of his surrounding. "Talk."

"Eat first," Doyoung insisted. He even pushed the spaghetti towards Taeil.

"It makes me uneasy." Taeil pushed back.

Doyoung contemplated for a while before his shoulder sagged down. He muttered some curse words at himself and gripped the edge of the table powerfully before looking straight in Taeil's eyes.

"You smoke," Doyoung stated, not a question, but statement.

"I should have cleaned the trash before you came." Taeil laughed half-heartedly. 

"Since when?"

"After Taeyong."

Doyoung face scrunched up, "Everyday?"

"Depends. Nowadays, no," Taeil answered, his tone was hanging to continue but uncertain, "Johnny helped." He decided to add.

"He knew?" Doyoung leaned forward in shock. His mouth was gaping as he tried to cover it with his hand. Looking a little bit funny.

"No!" Taeil pouted.

Doyoung hummed, jokingly mocking, "Wouldn't be surprising if he knew—"

"Are you picking a fight with me?" Taeil slammed down his fork on the table. His eyes widen like a kid challenging his mortal enemy. "What about you, _huh_? Your new boyfriend, that Jung fucking Jaehyun. Spend a lot of time with lover boy that rarely ever text me."

"You never reply back as much." Doyoung grabbed his phone, looking for proof of their chatting history. He was very agitated that he clicked the wrong application several times.

"I _always_ reply." Taeil held his head high, proudly speaking. 

"Emoticons and one-word-reply aren't considered as a reply." Doyoung shoved his phone in front of Taeil—Maybe, he mostly sent emoticons and maybe all of them were almost the same, but it was still an effort. "You can't call it an effort." Doyoung deadpanned.

"Uh huh…" Taeil's voice quieted down.

He reached for his food as he noticed both of them weren't so nervous around each other anymore.

"It's nice," Doyoung whispered to Taeil who was eating. "I missed you."

"I don't." Taeil smirked.

A mocking scoff was out of Doyoung's mouth almost immediately. "Whatever," He finally replied. His hand folded on the table comfortably as he rested his head on top of it. "I don't mind, you know. I mean about smoking."

"You certainly didn't look like it," Taeil said casually.

"You're an adult. You know the consequences," Doyoung added. "But it worries me because it means you're having a hard time."

Taeil paused chewing. He looked at Doyoung who was still posing to look asleep. There was nothing that he wanted to say even though a lot was needed to be explained.

"You never tell me anything. It's scary when I realized you were having a hard time." Doyoung's voice came out as half whisper. "And I wasn't there for you." 

"You don't have to—"

"But I want to." It sounded firmer, Doyoung's whisper.

_Do you even know what love is?_

_Love?_

"Do you think Jungwoo would want to meet me?" Taeil had this question over and over in his head. At times, it was too tiring that he ignored it, mostly it ate his whole soul. He needed a closure.

"Jungwoo?" Doyoung rose up. He blinked several time towards Taeil direction. The lines on his forehead looked deeper and deeper in confusion. "I think Jaehyun is friend with him. Do you want me to ask him?"

"If that's okay with you," Taeil hoped he didn't look awkward when he said it.

"Of course, it's fine but why?"

"I'm not sure. I'll tell you when I figure it out," Taeil looked down as he resumed to eat his food.

"Okay," The younger sighed. "Anyway, about Jaehyun… He is not my boyfriend—yet." He said as he kept making small uncertain movement, looking worried. "I wanted to tell you first before anything happen."

Taeil looked at Doyoung, at his hand. Playing with his own nails. "You don't need my permission, Doyoung."

"I know," Doyoung replied, fast.

His best friend wouldn't look at him in the eye for the rest of his visit. Taeil let him be. He knew Doyoung needed his own space at the moment.

***

"Doyoung came to your apartment?" Johnny asked as he sat across Taeil in the library. He was holding a new kind of book, considering his past choices.

Taeil raised his head to look at the younger. His eyes narrowing. "How did you know?"

Johnny shrugged.

Taeil became even more suspicious. "Doyoung told you?"

"Jaehyun told me," Johnny corrected.

"Right," Taeil said to himself, understanding the situation. "They're boyfriends."

"Not yet."

"Soon," Taeil replied confidently. He rested his back on his chair, studying Johnny's ambiguous expression. "But you don't look so happy about it?"

Johnny opened his mouth but closed it almost immediately as he looked around. He was looking for words, Taeil guessed. He finally fixed his eyes on Taeil's after a long wait.

"Have you ever considered that Doyoung is in love with you?" Johnny said slowly but firm.

Taeil was suddenly reminded of the first time they met, "You asked before, if we're a thing. I said no. That should've answered enough."

"You're ridiculous," Johnny laughed, mostly mocking, but it sounded like a pity to Taeil's ears. "How did Doyoung cope with you?" 

"We're friends." Taeil said emphasized once again.

"You want it to be like that," Taeil felt like Johnny's eyes pierced him. Awfully condescending and sharp. "You knew but you chose to act oblivious."

"I can't give him what he wanted—"

"You're leading him on—You're leading _me_ on." Johnny whispered sharply. Accentuating what he was feeling.

"I'm not—"

"He needs closure." Johnny accentuated.

Who was Johnny talking about wasn't clear. Maybe it was for himself, maybe it was both.

For a moment, Taeil thought it was unfair to accuse him as he already did reject Johnny several times. He never gave false hope as long as he remembered, but then again, he would always look for Johnny, and for Doyoung as well. It was never clear, was he pushing or pulling?

"Jungwoo doesn't mind meeting you on Sunday—it's the day after tomorrow." Johnny cut Taeil's train of thoughts as he packed his belonging with him, leaving Taeil alone. "Jaehyun asked me to contact Jungwoo for you."

"You're leaving?"

"I need time to think but I'll be with you on Sunday… of course, if you want me to," Johnny answered calmly. Although, from the way he gripped his book and his tight smile, it was obvious that he wasn't calm.

"Okay," Taeil nodded hesitantly.

He thought Johnny would leave coldly, like with Taeyong, or angry like Jungwoo. Johnny was neither, he was warm although his sadness was still crystal clear. He also promised to be back, a hopeful thought crossed Taeil that this wouldn't be the end.

Johnny grabbed Taeil's hand before he really left, "Taeil, I promise you that it's okay for me if you don't love me the same way I do."

Maybe, it was all he needed to hear after everything.

***

Taeil called Taeyong for the fourth time already in the past ten minutes. At the third ring, Taeyong actually answered him, which was a big surprise. "Speak." He said.

"Oh, hello," Taeil awkwardly greeted. The silence after that was awkward but he just laughed it off. "You answered my call." He continued. 

"Yes," A sound of deep breathing could be heard from Taeyong's side. Taeil realized it must be hard for him to talk with Taeil.

"I'm sorry—"

"I've had enough of your sorry." Taeyong said with indignation tainting his soft voice.

"I mean it this time. I'm sorry for making you feel terrible," A crushing feeling was hard on Taeil's chest. His throat felt dry. "I'm sorry for not being honest. For being a coward."

Taeyong was silent, before a quiet sob escaped him. "I deserve better—"

"Yes."

"I deserve someone who love me!" His voice went higher and full of pain.

"I loved you—"

"Liar!" Taeyong whispered, his voice breaking with every sobs he made.

But, Taeil was honest this time. It took him a lot to realize that it was never a lie. He loved Taeyong back, and Jungwoo, even Doyoung and Johnny.

"I just don't love you that way," He explained truthfully.

"That way?" Taeyong's question sounded like a curse. That if Taeil never answered, he'd be broken for life. Both of them, and maybe more. 

So, he did answer. Admitting what he was lacking after years of just ignoring them. "Romantically," He said, firm and sure.

"You're so cruel…" Taeyong's sigh was heard once more. More pained, but surrendering. "Why are you being so honest to me?"

"You knew?" Taeil asked in confusion.

"Of course… you're the only one who didn't," Taeyong said, oddly comforting and understanding. "We were in denial. Now that you aren't, I should accept the reality. I shouldn't blame you for breaking my heart."

"But you still hate me?" Taeil asked innocently. The phone in his hand felt nonexistent. The voice on the other live felt so real. It was as if Taeyong was really in front of him.

Silence stretched for a long time as Taeil's imagination ran fast. Suddenly, it was the café where he and Taeyong broke up. 

"I can't hate you, not when you tried so hard to properly love me." Taeil imagined Taeyong sitting in front of him. This time there wasn't any coldness and pain, there was only warmth and understanding. "Jealousy never came to you like how it did to me. Interest in my life was not something you ever thought of. Physical intimacy was never initiated by you—"

"That's because—"

"You were giving me space to respect my decision." Taeyong continued exactly like how Taeil used to tell him. "But people in love want more than that—they have urge to do something to please themselves but you don't. How could I not realize you love me platonically? It was so crystal clear." 

"I guess we are not for each other," Taeil replied. He smiled at his imaginative Taeyong. It felt like goodbye once again. This time there would be no looking back.

_He needs closure_

Johnny was right, a closure was needed, but Johnny didn't realize Taeil needed it as much as everyone else. A real closure of his suffering. 

"Thank you for everything."

***

Taeil opened his apartment door, finding Johnny standing in front of him. He looked better that Taeil couldn't help but to smile.

"Nervous?" Johnny asked at Taeil. It was funny considering he was the one who looked terribly nervous instead of Taeil.

"Not at all," Taeil answered genuinely, "but you look like you are," he teased a little bit.

"Yes, I'm really nervous right now." A small smile stretched on Johnny face. "I'm so sorry about before."

Taeil's smile fell for a moment as his memory brought him back to the day before yesterday. Their small fight in the library. It wasn't a great experience even though it wasn't that bad either.

"You were wrong," Taeil spoke up. A hand reached Taeil's, messaging him reassuringly, encouraging him to continue. "I wasn't leading you on nor Doyoung."

Johnny's smile remained, "I understand."

"I care about you a lot." Taeil grabbed Johnny's hand, dragging him closer. He hugged Johnny as he let his chin rest on his shoulder. "I'm an aromantic—I don't feel romantic attraction. It's complicated but it doesn't mean I don't have the ability to love."

"You did your research?" Taeil could sense Johnny was smiling from the way he talk. "We'll have a lot to talk about then… I'll listen, I'm not going anywhere."

Taeil softly grabbed Johnny's shoulder as he made the younger to face him. "I appreciate it." He showed his best smile and most genuine one.

"Did you tell Doyoung?" Johnny asked shyly.

Curious, Taeil asked back, "I haven't, why?"

"Did you know why we fought at the library?" Johnny timidly continued. "Mostly, it was because I was jealous."

"Really?" Taeil laughed. His hand no longer grabbed Johnny shoulder and shifted to cover his mouth.

"Don't laugh at me!" Johnny walked away from the door, feet stomping cutely.

"Oh, come on!" Taeil sighed in annoyance. "Wait for me!"

***

"Ready?" Johnny squeezed Taeil's shoulder from behind, whispering on his right ear.

"Very." Taeil reassured as he squeezed Johnny's hand back softly.

"But I'm scared," Johnny rested his chin on Taeil as he back hugged him. "What if you fell for him? Will you leave me alone after being too friendly with an ex?"

"What?" Taeil laughed, actually finding the jealousy funny. It was somehow endearing though. "You aren't even my boyfriend."

"Yet." Johnny added compulsively. Letting out embarrassed laugh after that.

"Johnny, listen—"

"Oh, please not this—"

"Listen, okay?" Taeil turned around, grabbing Johnny's soft cheek on his palm. The younger looked upset but nodded nonetheless. "I made mistakes. I was foolish and made someone else suffer just to feel okay about myself. He needs an explanation _and a closure._ "

They deserved the explanation, both Taeyong and Jungwoo. Although, his feeling was genuine, it didn't erase the fact that he accepted Jungwoo because he thought everyone else did the same. He foolishly let an unbalanced relationship run without any explanation.

Mistakes, misunderstanding, and most of their problems was buried with simple sorry and promise to change. He wasn't brave enough to address the real cause and let them be hurt.

"You said you'll be there to listen," Taeil pressed their forehead together, whispering to Johnny, "I promise I'll be there to tell you everything."

"Okay," Johnny answered with wavering voice.

_Do you even know what love is?_

_I know. Even long before, he always knew. That there were many kind of love. All of them equally important, he'd never let anyone else discredit them, his feelings._

Taeil was proud for being honest, for knowing what he wanted. As he pushed the door and saw Jungwoo waiting for him with a pure look of happiness. He smiled.

"Taeil," Jungwoo greeted, "It's been a long time."

"Yeah, It's been a long time," he agreed naturally, "I'm glad you came."

"Was that your boyfriend?" Jungwoo asked casually, nodding towards the door.

Taeil looked at the figure who was standing jittery, waiting for him. Johnny still looked worried despite what Taeil had said to him. A small smile made his way to Taeil's face as he realized his new beginning would come soon.

**Author's Note:**

> While I hate to define what aromantic is, here it is, for people who want to understand:  
> Aromantic (often shortened to aro) means someone who generally does not experience romantic attraction. Romantic attraction is defined as the desire to be in a romantic relationship and/or do romantic acts with a specific person.
> 
> I'm a greyromantic myself so half of this fic was me writing myself
> 
> Edit: I thought I need to point out how unreliable Taeil's POV is. Don't take it word by word, for example, his emotion towards Taeyong in the beginning. He missed him, he just misunderstand himself a lot.


End file.
